Pretty Angry

Looking back at old text messages between my dad and I recently got me thinking. How mad I was, how mad I always was. How mad at the times he would ask for extra cash because he needed to buy something for his boat. How upset I was when I found out he almost drowned as he sped his way through the waters at dawn. How stressed I feel when they ask me to call them. Each time my parents reach me, it was never about good news. There’s always something that they wanted, something they thought they needed. And this was how I felt since I started working. My dad was a seaman and he has been since he left for his first out of the country contract back in 1990.

You see, I am an only child. I was the only conception that survived as my mom had five miscarriages and she conceived another when I was in high school but didn’t quite made it. So it was apparent that they will be rather protective of me and with my decisions. This was also the main reason why I oppose with their wishes and decisions.

I graduated with a degree in Nursing and I don’t see myself being a nurse. I have no issues with all the blood, phlegm and tears and maybe tons more blood and maybe broken bones in the mix. I also did not have an issue with adapting to other people. I may appear intimidating at first but once you get my weakness and if you can tolerate my candor and wit – then we can be BFFs!

My heart wasn’t really for nursing. I wanted to be a MassCom graduate, this was when I was in high school and how it would be so cool to be a DJ. At the time, they didn’t want me to pursue it. My mom thought that if I study at UP, I will end up becoming an activist or worse be killed because of riots and whatnot. My dad didn’t really had any say but he told me that if I become a DJ, I will not have enough salary. So, I had to say yes to their plans it’s not like I will be able to support my studies at a young age. Maybe, I could but at that time, I didn’t have any other choice.

That’s my dad and me one fine afternoon. Yes, I had straight hair back then.

So of course, I finished college with no honors but on time. And then, I had to review and eventually was able to pass the boards. Then I thought, I can do what I wanted this time. Our house was an empty nest when I left for Cebu. I decided and talked to my mom that I wanted to be independent and earn a living for myself and my dreams. I only wanted to travel and be away from home. I was able to do so for almost 4 years then opportunity knocked and now I am in South Luzon living a passion I never thought I would ever discover – teaching.

Looking back, say I followed what my mom wished me to do – be a nurse at a local hospital and maybe never left home. I think my dad will still be alive today.

I felt I was responsible for why he died.

I enrolled my parents to a health card last year for them to get the medical attention they needed. I can never forgive myself for not urging my dad  to visit the doctor when he felt ill.

I knew in my heart he was sick, he was too proud to admit that.
He was too stubborn to take medications. 

I can never forgive myself for not being there when he needed me the most. I can never forgive myself for not being on that vehicle rushing him to the hospital. Was not there to witness that tender moment when he told my mom he loves her and deep in my heart I knew it was his way of saying goodbye.

I wasn’t even there to hug him nor to say goodbye.

I was not there at all when he was always there for me.

I, with the medical degree could not even save my dad.