I woke up today carrying a heavy heart. Have you ever had that feeling? That feeling that something’s not right. No, not the PMS kind or the I-feel-rather-sad-today-but-I-don’t-know-why. Today was that day.
Heading to work early morning with my iced coffee in hand, hoping this feeling with just go away as the day progress. Today, was not the best day.
Then my phone notified me, my niece messaged me saying that my dad is at the hospital. I called my mom, no answer. I tried my very best to keep it cool. I worry a lot contrary to my humor. Other than worry, I felt rather scared. After a quick meeting at around 10:30AM, my mom messaged me four words: Patay na si daddy. (English Translation: Daddy just passed away.)
I walked across the room to Kim a workmate and a friend. Hugged her and basically broke down. My class thought it was because of them, I broke down like a baby. I was not proud of that moment. I was lost yet again. I did not know where to start or what to do. I had a few friends who helped out; gave me things to start with. It’s hard to go about death and grieving alone.
I wrote him a tribute, created a Life Event. This was a few hours after it all happened:
 |
| My dad and I. |
When I was 20 years old, I gave myself five years to live. I knew for a fact that I will die young. I just did not see myself live long. I was not sick at the time, nor do I have an ailment – not that I knew of but I was too sure that I will never live this long.
Four years from my morbid realization, here I am crying, reliving that day when we put him to rest. Looking at him, staying there. Solid. Not moving. He even looks different from what I remember. He is gone. That’s not my dad.
Looking back, I have so many things I regret.
Thinking how I neglected to tell him so many stories. How I ended up in Baguio because I was so depressed and never even called him up. Thinking of how many times I omitted truths to avoid having an argument. I did not even call him on his birthday, all I ever did was send him a text message. How busy was I that day that I felt it was bothersome to call?
He was my Switzerland as my mom and I have a love-hate relationship. How he made me feel so sure that he will be there for me – ALWAYS.
There are Five Stages of Grief:
Denial.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance.
There is no pre-grief period. There is no pain than here: today, tomorrow and the few days to come. It will take me months, years and a whole lifetime to recover. It does not get better each day. It is all a lie. It is never easy.
Food, Travel & Whatevs 
I couldn't describe my feelings while reading this blog Zhee. I wanted to shed my tears but holding it because I'm at the 11th floor with too many people around. But yes, I somehow feel the pain, that one day the most important person, my mother would be gone and I'm not ready for it.. No one is ready for a situation like that.. no one would ever be ready to accept that one of your loved ones has already gone. –Van
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My heart's heavy after reading this. Your dad's a wonderful man, Zhee. He raised a brilliant daughter. I am honestly struggling with the right words to atleast ease your pain. We love you. You don't have to go through this alone. We might be seas apart, but please know that we are here.
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Thanks for sharing. It is hard, that is just what we can do to recognize the pain.I do not want to think and feel. We know it is just a question of who feels it first, not why.
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Ang akong una nahunahunaan pagtext nimo nga wa na siya kay HALA, MAO RABA TO IYANG MANLALABAN. Sa tinuod lang nagduha2 ko pagbasa ani. Di man gud ko gusto maghunahuna nga muabot gyud na sa atua apan di man gyud kalikayan. 😥 nanghinaot ko nga kanunay nimo lig.unon imong kaugalingon kay makigbugno pa ta's kapalaran. Naa ra man sab mi nagmahal nimo. Di man tuod ora-orada mawa imong mga kasakit, hinumdumi lang ang akong text bahin kang zac efron ug vanessa hudgens. Hihihi awuvu! ��
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I don't want to think about losing the people I love like this. Cause I'm not so sure I can handle it. I don't want to even think of handling it. For all the years I've known you, I know you are very strong. But no one can really prepare for loss. There's no pre-emption. So be weak, be not okay. Grieve. Cry my friend. We are here for you. We are one hug away. Let us be your comfort. I'm just glad googly is with you everyday. Since we are miles apart. We love you Ima! Pray for healing. 😢
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I feel you in every word. My dad passed away last 2015. I missed him so badly. I felt guilty up to now thinking I have never been a good daughter. I don't know how long will it takes for me to completely move on with my loss. They said it take years. There are times that I will just cry on bed.Whenever I see my students with their dad still alive, I felt jealous. 😦
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So sorry for your loss. I almost cried but held it in. Just grieve. Grieve all you want. Don't be pressured to move on. Dwell on all the good memories, and always remember him with a smile. 🙂
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Life is not about moving on, more of continuing without. I will be selfish If I tell you that everything will be alright because it will never be the same kind of alright that we were taught back as children. My mom died when I was 6 and since then, all I have is insecurity and jealousy to those who have mom beside them during their adolescence. But you know what? I no longer remember the best feeling having a mom at this age. Maybe healing happens unplanned, and it happens differently from how we believe the process should be. Zee, just live one moment at a time believing that each day is a day closer to meeting the people we loss along the way. It will make your life less sad and heavy. One step of faith at a time. Hugs Zee.😘
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I couldn't describe my feelings while reading this blog Zhee. I wanted to shed my tears but holding it because I'm at the 11th floor with too many people around. But yes, I somehow feel the pain, that one day the most important person, my mother would be gone and I'm not ready for it.. No one is ready for a situation like that.. no one would ever be ready to accept that one of your loved ones has already gone. –Van
LikeLike
My heart's heavy after reading this. Your dad's a wonderful man, Zhee. He raised a brilliant daughter. I am honestly struggling with the right words to atleast ease your pain. We love you. You don't have to go through this alone. We might be seas apart, but please know that we are here.
LikeLike
Thanks for sharing. It is hard, that is just what we can do to recognize the pain.I do not want to think and feel. We know it is just a question of who feels it first, not why.
LikeLike
Ang akong una nahunahunaan pagtext nimo nga wa na siya kay HALA, MAO RABA TO IYANG MANLALABAN. Sa tinuod lang nagduha2 ko pagbasa ani. Di man gud ko gusto maghunahuna nga muabot gyud na sa atua apan di man gyud kalikayan. 😥 nanghinaot ko nga kanunay nimo lig.unon imong kaugalingon kay makigbugno pa ta's kapalaran. Naa ra man sab mi nagmahal nimo. Di man tuod ora-orada mawa imong mga kasakit, hinumdumi lang ang akong text bahin kang zac efron ug vanessa hudgens. Hihihi awuvu! ��
LikeLike
I don't want to think about losing the people I love like this. Cause I'm not so sure I can handle it. I don't want to even think of handling it. For all the years I've known you, I know you are very strong. But no one can really prepare for loss. There's no pre-emption. So be weak, be not okay. Grieve. Cry my friend. We are here for you. We are one hug away. Let us be your comfort. I'm just glad googly is with you everyday. Since we are miles apart. We love you Ima! Pray for healing. 😢
LikeLike
I feel you in every word. My dad passed away last 2015. I missed him so badly. I felt guilty up to now thinking I have never been a good daughter. I don't know how long will it takes for me to completely move on with my loss. They said it take years. There are times that I will just cry on bed.Whenever I see my students with their dad still alive, I felt jealous. 😦
LikeLike
So sorry for your loss. I almost cried but held it in. Just grieve. Grieve all you want. Don't be pressured to move on. Dwell on all the good memories, and always remember him with a smile. 🙂
LikeLike
Life is not about moving on, more of continuing without. I will be selfish If I tell you that everything will be alright because it will never be the same kind of alright that we were taught back as children. My mom died when I was 6 and since then, all I have is insecurity and jealousy to those who have mom beside them during their adolescence. But you know what? I no longer remember the best feeling having a mom at this age. Maybe healing happens unplanned, and it happens differently from how we believe the process should be. Zee, just live one moment at a time believing that each day is a day closer to meeting the people we loss along the way. It will make your life less sad and heavy. One step of faith at a time. Hugs Zee.😘
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